Seagull Wings

ratwithwings @ 2008-11-17T22:18:00

2008-11-18T06:31:22Z

I can't trust my father to do anything for me anymore. This was something really important and he screwed it up. I just want to cry right now.

They won't leave me alone...

2008-10-08T01:23:06Z

I keep getting emails from this company that's trying to put together an alumni directory for my high school. They want to "verify information" with me. I'm wondering whether I should just unsub from their mailing list, or if I can call them and ask if they could just not include me in the directory at all.

I'm Getting My Hopes Up

2008-10-07T01:30:44Z

I've wanted a Kira for so long, please, PTB, let her be mine?

x_X

2008-07-23T22:26:27Z

Father-unit is mowing the lawn. I can't breathe.

Mother-unit's not always the rabid bitch from hell...

2008-06-17T06:41:53Z

Love is when mom/boss forces you to quit working at 7:00 so you can make your belly dance class on time.

Love is also when she gives you hot chocolate and an ice pack for your ass after you come back from said class and tell her you fell down the stairs in front of the building (I'm fine).

I love my mommy.

Writer's Block: The Only True Question:

2008-05-30T19:06:28Z

If you could go back and fix your most regrettable decision, what would it be, and what would you do differently?

Or:

Pirates or Ninjas?

View 502 Answers

Steampunks.

"Steam Furry"

2008-02-27T04:00:32Z

Angel: Oo, I wanna make a steampunk kitsune outfit...
me: uhm... i already told a friend no steam furry, so for uhm... gatherings...
i just don't want to look like a hypocrite... ^^;;;
Angel: why no "steam furry"?
me: because a lot of people are still under the stupid notion that (furry)'s a fetish, not a subculture, and i hate having to go into politics and ruin the nice honeymoon period that the steampunk community is still in
Angel: people suck. :/
me: yes. very much so

Thanks, Confucius

2008-01-27T05:05:44Z

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.“
- Confucius

I may have some issues with Confucianism, but... that statement's entirely true. I've certainly been doing that this past few weeks.

The truth is, it was a good birthday. It had all the makings of a good birthday. I just didn't let myself enjoy it because I complicated everything.

I finally managed to talk to someone (thank you thank you thank you, Rockett), so I feel a bit better now.

Well... aside from being sick.

As usual, when I go into one of my extended stress fits, it's ending off with the world-famous stress-induced fever. Yay.

It's time for simple now. Now it's time to simply watch Doctor Who.

X_X

2008-01-22T06:39:57Z

GAHHH!!! THEY STUFFED ME!!!!!!!!!!

ratwithwings @ 2007-12-17T12:54:00

2007-12-17T21:00:12Z

We just had Emilie put down.

Wake me up when December's over...

2007-12-14T21:48:46Z

Is it bad when Christmas music causes you to start hyperventilating?...

I've hit the classic "when it rains..." December again this year. Work's been no joy, mother-unit's been screaming, I'm behind on pressies (that I needed to have done YESTERDAY), I might need to give the father-unit an "IOU" again this year (I'm sick of disappointing him), and Emilie has an inoperable tumor on her rear that's big enough to be another rat (anyone have naming ideas?).

*headDESKDESKDESKDESKDESKDESKDESK*

It's probly just the season, but I'm having a hard time getting Clarence* and Melvin** to shut up. And insulting them hasn't been working lately. Good thing I'm seeing the shrink today...

Time to give Emi her cortisone. I think I'm gonna give her some pear, too, today.

--------

* I named my depression
** And my anxiety disorder

A Thought (before the caffeine kicks in)

2007-11-15T15:29:09Z

I've noticed, in my dreams, I'm usually a child. Not necessarily a small child, but nearly always under the age of sixteen. Now, the question is, is my subconscious just keeping me aware of my role, or is it telling me to grow the fuck up?

Who are you when you dream?

ratwithwings @ 2007-11-10T16:11:00

2007-11-11T00:23:48Z

In lieu of an actual journal entry, I typed up something I wrote on a piece of notebook paper three years ago, that I've been meaning to transfer somewhere else for awhile. Looking at the writing again makes me cringe, but the content is really important to me.

--------

I'm bored, so I'm writing during math class. I'm not learning anything new here. Blah.

My weekend turned out better than expected. Anglicon was fun, despite being alone. I definitely would have had more fun with someone else, but that's okay.

Virginia Hey and David Franklin were amazing. She was a real beautiful and fantastic lady and he was energetic and very funny. It's funny. Aussie actors aren't highly thought of, so none of them really get big headed. And they weren't. Both of them were humble, polite, and incredibly easy to get along with. I really wish I had the nerve to chat with them for more than the thirty seconds it took each of them to sign their pictures for me. Maybe next time.

Saturday evening there was a memorial circle for Margie. Orion and Todd were there of course, as well as quit a few of her con and SCA friends. Elinor and Gene stopped by and said their piece, too. We talked about so many things. Her wit, her ability to dress anyone, the way she could get along with everybody she met, her music, the "boys" and the rest of the doll village, Jerry (the magical, rarely-seen-at-events, husband), the fire... We talked about almost everything.

After the thing I helped dress the dolls. Despite the box being melted, they all survived the fire. They were all covered in ash and water and crap, so they needed to be washed. And since there were so many of them and no one thought to take the pictures before washing the dolls, no one remembered what all of them were wearing. Still didn't have all of them (put together) by the time we were done, but at least we were a little closer.

The Peacekeeper Wars was fantastic. They took all the material of what would have been season 5, put it in four hours, and it didn't feel very rushed at all. The Harvey scenes were great as ever. Some of the changes for the ~~puppets~~ animatronic actors were weird. I hated Sikozu's hair. Loved how the fit the pregnancy of Grayza's actress into the plot. Really loved the ending.

Bacon Cheesecake?

2007-11-08T07:10:23Z

I was really feeling like writing all today during work, and promised myself that I'd get to as soon as I came home and had dinner and all that nice stuff. And, well, yeah. Inclination's gone.

JuJu had a freak-out while I was holding her earlier tonight. That hasn't happened in a couple years now. People don't get that she's not just a little psycho cat. She genuinely loves us (not just for feeding her), she's just a little damaged.

--------

Anyway, I think it's meme time!

Comment, and I will......

1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a colour, a photo, etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
7. Give you a picture of the fictional character that most reminds me of you.
8. In return, you must post this in your LJ.

Waddle

2007-11-07T06:11:09Z

Having trouble concentrating... thinking's hard right now. They always have the TV on way too loud.

Emilie has a tumor above her tail. On Friday, I noticed she was walking around funny. I felt above her tail, and found a lump. I had dad feal around there, too, but he didn't notice anything, so I left it alone. She kept walking funny throughout the weekend, and on Sunday, the lump felt harder. I took her to the vet yesterday afternoon, and the vet confirmed that it was a tumor, but at this time, removing it would be more trouble for her than just leaving it (not what I wanted to hear).

It could definitely be worse. Emi's 3 and this is the first tumor we've encountered with her. In fact this is the first tumor we've encountered with any of the rats. It's also benign and not in any of her internal organs. It's just hard to watch her moving the way she does. Walking with the front legs, waddling and paddling with the back. She used to be the resiliant one. Anything that Willow or Alice got never affected her. And now she's falling apart. It's heartbreaking.

I start work early tomorrow. Should get to bed soon.

Color

2007-11-04T23:41:24Z

Last night, I was hanging out with one of my coworkers and she asked me what I was going to do next with my hair. I told her I was probably going to continue with the red tips until they got trimmed out, but I wasn't sure what I was going to do after that.

I got an idea in the shower this morning (isn't that where all the best ideas come from?). I'm gonna go with shoulder-length hair with either magenta or indigo in the front half of my head. Magenta is more likely, since I don't think I want to bleach my hair completely white in order for the blue to take.

When talking with some people about hair color, they tell me that the reason they don't dye is because they like their natural color. I respect their opinions. For me though, it isn't about liking my hair color. I do like my natural color (and it took me a long time to get to that point). For me, I grew up watching cartoons where the characters' hair was candy colored and I have always wanted to do that with mine.

I wasn't allowed to dye my hair when I was in grade school. My parents were against anything they thought would distract me from school and music. I tried once, dying it black right before ninth grade. They made me wash my hair everyday, and I was grounded until the black came out.

My first real foray into color was in the spring of 2005. I got a special streaking kit in purple, and father-unit set up an appointment with his hair dresser for me to get my bangs colored (he didn't want me to stain the bathtub). That poor lady was freaked out, but she did the job, and I loved it. I kept it for about a year, though I was real lazy on the upkeep. I let it fade to pinkish blond more than once. Then, for a short time, I tried to bring it back to normal, and died the streaks brown again. My hair wasn't too happy about that, and it came out in only a few washings, leaving me with yellowish blond streaks with three-inch long roots.

It wasn't until last March when I went about fixing the grossness. This time I went to a place where the stylists all had funky hair themselves, so I knew they'd do a good job. It took forever, but after all the bleaching and dying and cutting was done, I had hair that was shoulder-length in the front, that tapered to almost mid-back, with two-inch crayon red tips.

That brings us up to today. As for future plans, I would like to keep experimenting while I can. I know at some point, I need to get a "real" job, where dress codes will prevent me from having locks in any "unnatural" hues. But for now, I want to have fun.

Read

2007-11-03T05:09:49Z

I have forgotten how to read. I haven't been able to finish a book in at least three years. I don't know if it's anxiety or ADD or my home (a house made of cardboard boxes and bad moods is terrible feng shui). All that is certain is that reading has become an impossible chore. Lately, I've been lucky if I can finish a chapter in one sitting without losing it.

Reading used to be my favorite thing to do. I used to stay up until 2:00 or 3:00 every night engulfed in whatever I had checked out from the school library. My favorite genres were fantasy and horror, but I picked up anything I found interesting.

Then, somewhere in the middle of high school, I just stopped. Homework, depression, the internet, I'm not entirely sure what triggered it. But, from that point on, I couldn't do it anymore. The last thing I'm positive I finished was Night, by Elie Wiesel, for Senior Lit class.

I miss it. I miss the ability to get lost in a novel. To turn words into images into worlds. To finish what I start. Without headaches or distractions.

This needs to be fixed. I'm gonna try a change of scenery first. I live a couple of blocks from a public library. If I want snacks, I can hit the coffee shop. If that doesn't work, I don't know what to do. I want to learn to read again. It used to be such a big part of me.

"Rhymes with rocks"

2007-02-18T07:34:56Z

"Pokinoï dji noch predo
Ostinyi du brach tivo
Vaganai tu majgadi
Ich kara ku darta nyi"

--------

Tonight I'm grateful I could have fun with my friend. I'm grateful that I made him feel better. And I'm grateful that I got to show him what "raqs love" is.

To my "brother," Mokey: CLOUD HAIR!!!!!!

"Purple and blue add up to 90"

2007-02-15T08:33:18Z

Okay, so you just found out the event you were going to with your girlfriend and her boyfriend tomorrow night got canceled. After you asked them to cancel their weekly game and they obliged.

Oh, shit.

...

I'll just give 'em a quick IM.

...

They're not online.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

...

That's okay, I'll just call them.

...

They're not home.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

...

Calm down, rat girl. It's Valentine's Day, and it's late, so they're probably not going to want to hear from you when they get home. Send them an email and hope they pick it up tomorrow morning. It will not turn into a disaster. It will not become your own special "Single Losers' Day."

And breath. Breathing's good.

Besides, you need to go to bed. You have school tomorrow. You did the homework, right?

Oh, shit.

--------

"So I reach for your love
Like the moon and the stars
Ever in my sight
Ever out of touch"

Dark Chocolate-Hearted Bitches

2007-02-08T07:37:15Z

My wings change color. They can be a brilliant white or a striking black. Mostly, though, they're gray. Gray, thin, and long. I look like a mutant seagull.

My wings are white right now, but I feel so gray inside. It's odd they don't match, because they usually do.

I know I should happy right now. For the first time in a long while, I know I have real friends, and I finally got it through my thick "fixed" skull that people really do care about me.

However, I also know that in only a few years, I will transform into a monster, and I will betray any ties I have.

But that's a long time from now, and I can't be a hermit.

But I also can't let the people I love die.

And my protector's currently living in a stuffed bunny.

--------

I should stop thinking about this, at least for right now.

"Charge by the fuzzy feeling"

2006-12-30T21:58:21Z

I'm sitting in the bakery with a couple of "chimichangas," and finally getting the first urge to really write in weeks. Wow.

As of late, this place is almost feeling like a warzone. It's mother-unit versus the manager, who I call "Nag-me", and manager's sister, Prana, who also works here. Mother-unit says that they're talking back to her and being rude to the customers, and that Nag-me scares people off. They say that mother-unit is being unfair and too easily frustrated and taking out her frustrations on all of us. They're actually both a little right. And they're wrangling me into the middle of all of this. I'm just a bit more than a little glad that I get to leave this crap in six days.

Life otherwise... meh. Went to the belly dance class holiday party last week (on no meds - eep!) and had a bit of fun, and randomly went into "darate-mode." Went to Uncle (father-unit's brother) and Aunt's house for Christmas Eve. Younger cousin was playing World of Warcraft through most of it. Went to Aunt (mother-unit's sister) and Uncle's house for Christmas Day, which went alright, even if we did forget the rolls. Aunt (mother-unit's sister) gave me some of her extra knitting needles to take home. The anniversary of grandma-unit's death was Tuesday. Mother-unit got cranky. Not much else after that.

Ed, Membre, and I are going to see belly dancing tonight, at a café near my house. Membre's still a little bit iffy on the idea of me going out with Ed, but he's being as understanding as he can, and he's helping us get time toghether, which is really sweet of him. Note to self: set something up for next week too, before school starts up again.

I finished both "chimichangas" and am just a couple bites away from finishing off my pumpkin custard, so I suppose it's time to go.

"The sky will fall, but I don't care"

2006-11-22T07:53:11Z

I just asked Ed if she would go out with me and she said YES. I'm feeling light and fluttery and happy. Our very bad weeks now have a nice little bright spot in them.

Now I'm off to skip around the house and squeal like a little girl (Mother-unit's gonna kill me... tee-hee).

"The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit"

2006-11-10T09:14:04Z

"A thousand years gone by
Too late to wonder why
I'm here alone"

--------

If this was the journal that the "friends" read I would apologize for going all emo, but here, I say fuck it. You guys are mature enough to not read what you don't want to know about. Plain and simple.

School is being too hard again. I'm trying harder than I have before, but it still isn't enough. I understand the material presented to me, and I know I can do it. There's just too much. Then I get distracted for too long and when I get back to the work I panic and freeze. It's the same every week. But somehow I keep fooling myself that it's gonna get better. Has to get better. I'll do it differently. Uh-huh. Right.

I've also started to isolate myself from people. The few times I've been out the past month and a half got me further behind in my homework, so I've started making excuses to avoid socializing. I've stopped going to peoples' houses. I missed the rat show. "Forgot about" the Japanese festival at the University. And I skipped belly dance at least five times last month. The truth is that it's done more damage to my psyche than anything else. I need people.

I feel like I have to keep it all in right now, to keep up appearances. I haven't been in proximity to the people who I can share all this with lately. So everything feels heavy, and it's been getting me sick.

And I've been blowing off roleplay at Ed's place lately, which is dumb and wrong. That's no way to treat my best friend.

I've told Doc about this. She's given me tasks to make me more focused and shit like that. And I try to follow them, but... I don't want tasks right now. What I want are comfort, hugs, a good place to cry, and strawberry juice pops. And I don't have any of those right now.

At least I get a three-day weekend.

--------

"Here in my web of dreams
My whispers turn to screams
And place the blame"

Bum Fight!

2006-10-15T10:03:38Z

Tonight was the best night ever. If I am killed this very instant, I will die incredibly happy.

It should also be noted that Lucifer is a very fortunate stuffed bunny.

"I don't know. It's your dream."

2006-10-05T08:27:13Z

I missed belly dance class the second time ever tonight. But, I'm not upset. In fact, I'm still giddy.

My parents and I went to Delirium tonight. It wasn't like any other Cirque show created. It's main focus was the music, and everything else was built around it. Almost all the cast was either a musician or a dancer. They used screens and images and balloons were thrown out into the crowd. And there was so, so , so much more that I wish I had the mind to put into words. So much was different, but it still felt like Cirque. It was beautiful. It took every emotion and made it its own entity. It was a dream with a better soundtrack.

Tonight, the human race is okay. Tomorrow... we'll see. But tonight I am grateful for the wonders that the human mind and body can create. Tonight, I will dream...